I have been seriously MIA from my page this time. I recently lost my mother. She was a long term Alzheimers patient, and had lost her right leg from the thigh down, due to Circulatory problems, some years ago.
To say that this event; unexpected, uncalled, unwelcome, knocked me over, is an understatement. I had planned to spend the summer reconnecting with her, and now, sadly, the only connection that I will have with her, will be to put her in the ground.
I have yet to really comes to terms with the loss of my mother. She meant a lot to me, especially as I never really knew my father, unlike my siblings who grew up around him, for me, my mother was my everything. She was my father and my mother, the harsh disciplinarian, the joker (when she was in the mood) the provider, the worker bee. All the things she did, I watched as I was growing up. She was never one to have crowds of friends, she was far too suspicious a woman for that. But the small number of true friends she had, could be numbered on both her hands. She preferred her family, more than any other.
She was a seamstress, making and sewing her own clothes, even coats, jackets and jumpers, she made herself. only in later years, did she resort to shop bought garments, as her strength began to fail her. I grew up listening to the manic hum of her sewing machine, when she returned from her day job, and all and every weekend. She never tired of making, re-making and wearing her hand-made garments. Thankfully, I can say, I picked up much of her love for hand made garments, but never to the extent that she had gone.
She cherished her grandchildren, and if it were not for my mother, I would not have been able to return to university to attain my degree in History. She watched my children for 3 years as took a entry level course into university, and the first 2 years of my 4 year degree. Without her, I would have not been able to do this.
My mother and I, had an understanding. I could manipulate her, because I never did it for unsavoury purposes. she trusted me, in as much as she trusted anyone, and we were good friends, as much as she had any friends to speak of. sometimes, when I think back, I wonder if we were really as close as I thought, or if the memories that I have, are one sided, and from my own perspective of my mother? sadly, she was a closed person, and kept much of her feelings to herself, except when she was annoyed then we all felt it!
I loved my mum, and only ever really understood her, after adolescence (I think that’s the case for us all). I tried to help her as much as I could, just the same as she assisted me, or as much as I could. I will miss her so much, she was too important a figure in my life for me to forget her easily, or to get over the loss of her.
She out-lived 2 husbands; my own father, who died in 1974 when I was 9 years old, and her second husband who she married when she was in her late 50’s. She suffered a stroke in 2002, from which she made an almost complete recovery, although the signs of the stroke would always be visible, if you knew what to look for. her Alzheimers wasn’t discovered until 2011, after she had Stroke -like relapses and was finally hospitalised. Throughout all these setbacks and losses, she lived to a ripe age of 90 years, but for me, a child, I still thought of myself as a child, who needed to ask her mothers permission, even though I have children of my own.
My Allah keep you safe. May your grave be filled with light. May your judgement be easy, and your place, a place of honour. You are my mother, and I loved you, unconditionally, without any other able to fill the space that is vacant. I will look for you, for I have no other option than to do so, I will miss you all the remaining days of my life.